From independent, confident strong women to dependent, needy wife

I am not sure when I crossed the bridge but I recently realised that I have turned from a strong, confident, independent woman into a very dependent, needy wife.

Before I got married, I used to do everything on my own. Most importantly I made my own decisions and went everywhere on my own. I travelled to the US on my own and I was just glad that I had so many friends there. I always went shopping on my own and made decisions on my own. I never felt the need for anyone to be there constantly for me and definitely not to make any decisions for me.

But these days, for even small decisions I need to ask AS for his opinion. Is it really normal or do I really need to pick up my act?

I call AS and ask things like,

“Do you want me to buy a red towel or a maroon one?”

“I really like this dress but should I buy it?”

“I am in the supermarket and I saw this new laundry powder, shall I buy it or buy our regular powder?”

“Do you want to eat lamb or chicken for dinner tonight?”

Some days I even ask him what should I eat for lunch as I can’t make a decision and I am already in front of food court or outside some restaurant.

Seriously, is this normal once you are married or I am becoming overly dependent on him?

It is not only me who has noticed this changed. When AS left from Kathmandu 2 weeks before me, I was on my own. In those 14 days I mentioned that I missed him to everyone. Really, I was telling my cousins and friends so often that they told me the same thing, I have become very dependent. I have really begun to rely on him in so many things that I can’t live even a week away from him.

For the last few years I have told myself that all these changes are because of love. I love him so much that I can’t imagine my life without him. And I thought it was normal to change and feel the way I do but today I feel like asking all of you.

Is this love or dependency?

Do you think I am on the right path?

Do I need to change and start becoming independent again?

Anyone there feels the same as way I do?

P.S: AS consults with me for all his decisions as well.

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31 responses to “From independent, confident strong women to dependent, needy wife

  1. Hi, M. (Sorry if I got your name wrong, I got it from the last comment hehe)

    I was just hoping to get your feedback because this is exactly what I’m going through! I was a very very very independent woman before marriage.. Right after marriage, my husband got upset everytime I make decisions on my own.. Even little ones like buying my own facial cream. I know I should draw a line in order to create a healthy relationship.. But it seems kind of hard..
    I feel like I hv to adjust everything in my life.. Well maybe not everything haha.. But I’m trying hard not to step on my husband’s toes so to speak.. It makes me feel like I’m on a leash most of the time.. Do you hv any practical advice? We’re just marriage for abt 6 months now.. Any advice would be awesome thanks! 🙂

    • Hello Amy,
      Thank you for writing to me and I hope I can be of some help.
      Depending upon the personality, after marriage people have different expectation from their partner, both man and woman. Sometimes both have the similar expectations while other times, the expectations are very different.
      In my case, expectation was very similar and we had conversation on how we feel and what we were expecting which gave us view point from other side. Sounds like in your case, the expectations are different. You want to live the similar way before wedding but your husband has different idea. I think you both are right in your own way so it is best to have a conversation and let him know how you feel. It will give him an opportunity to do the same so both of you are on the same page.

      I have to say that with marriage, things do change so you might have to give in a little and he has to do the same. The compromise can be, for small things like what you want to wear , you can make your own decision but for bigger things , you consult with him, not asking but the consultation so both of you are on the same page.
      We do that a lot. Every time we have to spend more than $100, we talk to each other.
      Hope this helps. Take care.

  2. Sid Dunnebacke

    You’re still newlyweds, and have much growing and evolving to do in the years ahead. This is just part of that evolution. Also, it’s clear you love each other like crazy. So, dependency or love? Definitely love. It’s only natural you’d come to rely on each other for so much.

    Don’t analyze too much, M. Just enjoy each other, respect each other, and be good to each other. Everything else will fall into place.

  3. Whatever it is and only you will know, the fact that it has come into your own awareness is no doubt a sign, something just to note.

    From my point of view I don’t think it is dependency, because it’s not like you couldn’t make the decision if you had to, often it is because we want to share something with the other person that we involve them, I do this even with my children, I give them the opportunity to have an input into what we might have for dinner and this is very different from my parents generation, who made all the decisions without consulting children. I like to think we are empowering children to be bold enough to make decisions in their adulthood and you clearly already have that, so just enjoy the love 🙂

    I read an interesting quote this morning about attachment, which said:

    We don’t have to let go, we simply have to not hold on.

  4. I think its normal to be dependent – and by dependent it does not necessarily have to be bad or negative one. You guys have a very good, understanding relationship with and it all comes purely from love, sharing life together. You kind of get used to the person and the ways of living. Its always nice to have your own time every once in a while but being in love and sharing a life together with your significant other is always special 🙂

    • Thanks Dixya. I have always believed in my relationship but you know sometimes our eyes can be blind when in love so was trying to see form third person’s point of view. I am just glad I am not alone and blinded by my love for my husband 🙂

  5. Don’t confuse sharing a life and valuing an opinion with requiring or needing another to make decisions for you. These things tend to flow both ways in a relationship, we value the opinion of our partner.

    I’m pretty sure if there were reason for you to trod off somewhere on your own for a week or two, you would do it. You might miss your spouse, but you’d do it. Nothing wrong with missing, either.

    Now if your ability to do what you wish to do is restricted, that’s different, but I’ve seen nothing here that suggests anything like this.

    • Thank you nelle. I am sure i will be fine if I have to be independent for some reason but as you said I am sure needing one another flows both way in our relationship. Sometimes your mind have silly questions and it is good to have answers by fellow bloggers .Gives me more reason to believe that I am normal and our relationship is as well 🙂

  6. I think after you’ve been married for a while, this is normal to some extent. As long as you are both happy, why worry? I rely on my husband for quite a bit too. Our lives are incredibly intertwined, and we do most things together. After being married for over a decade, I wouldn’t expect any less. 🙂

  7. It only ever happened me with Shiva. I was always working so hard to make him happy because it made me happy. I felt like life was better when we collaborated on everything. Though sometimes, he’d make me choose, just to get a break from making decisions. I did think he was always the better decision maker. It is nice being with someone and trusting all their choices.

  8. I think its completely normal as well, it happens with me too, I ask A all the time if I should do this and do that 🙂

  9. I was a needy woman even before I got married – it’s OK, my wife’s fine with it – so I can’t be of much help here. Suffice to say, love is giving, dependency is giving in. The two can look very similar.

  10. I totally agree with Tashsn. That’s what I was thinking as I was reading the post. Even I ask my hubby for ” aaja ma k khaja khau “?? from my office. !! So, I think it’s about the priorities that come first with love to the person. Our partner becomes so habitual for us that we often tend to forget independency part. And i think it’s so NORMAL. Every couple will feel it. No need to worry.

    • I know these things are sweet but I was just worried if this is going to happen whole our life and one day we become bored. But it is so good to know that not only, this is normal but expected to certain extent as well.

  11. Pingback: Very Inspiring Blogger Award? You’re kidding! Questions to you. | Julie Green

  12. I totally get what you are saying. Its not over-dependency like it looks like. Its just that now there is someone who you care about you so much that his opinion matters. If he’s not around you;ll miss him for sure, but you’ll do what you have it. But when he’s there you find the need to ask him. It happened to me, there are things that I wanted to do and I could have without anyone’s opinion whatsoever, but I always asked A.. and not only that I wanted his approval! Like if there was a dress I liked and I really wanted it and perhaps A din’t like it that much (too short, too much exposed back or whatever the reason).. I know I could still buy it, but I would first convince him that its good and then buy it. Otherwise I just wouldn’t feel good. I think its out of love and priority that we do these things, not because we have to or we can’t.. its just that we like to know, as women, that we have their approval in our decisions too. 🙂

  13. As per my personal opinion..
    It is surely love only & not dependency M:)
    You are for sure on right path & no, you do not have to change.. You are doing all this out of love 🙂
    I am same like you.. 🙂

  14. High love is a spiritual war…neither one should become dependent on a another…and neither one should let the other do so…this is my philosophical thought…take it with a grain of salt.

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