Marriage on the rocks

If you are worried after reading the title, please do not worry, I am still happily married. But recently I have had friends and colleagues who are either divorced, separated or their marriage is on the rocks. This made me think about marriage in general and of course I and AS.

Most of my friends and colleagues I am talking about have been married for a long time. One of them for 10 years, another 14 and others many more too. Most of them were high school sweet hearts and in love for a long time before they decided to get married and have beautiful kids but after such a long union, they decided to part way and inmost cases, the reason was infidelity. I was actually shocked in many cases, as I knew both people in the marriage.

I have heard about the 7 year itch and read a lot about what happens to sex life when one has kids. Still looking around and finding so many people with their marriage in tatters really made me think about marriage in general seriously.

AS is my best friend first before my husband so I share what I was thinking with him all the time. So while in this topic, I asked him “Do you think we might have a problem like this in our marriage as well?” I am not sure what kind of answer I was hoping to get but I was shocked when he answered “Of course, we will. I am not going to say we will have a perfect marriage.” As much as I appreciate his honestly, it also made me worried about the whole institution of marriage.

I come from Nepal, a country where  they teach that marriage is for life but even there things are changing slowly. The divorce rate is still not as high there as in the western world. So when I married AS, I married him for life, for better or for worse. But seeing so many couple heading down the divorce path, I really want to work harder on my marriage to make sure we don’t ever head towards that path.

As everything else in life, I know we tend to take our partners for granted after being with them for few years which means we may not make a special time for him and once kids are in the equation, most mums are really too busy to plan something as a couple. But I still can’t justify someone cheating on their partner because they are bored.

When Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston got divorced many years ago, I was always Team Jen. I used to like Brad Pitt as an actor but I couldn’t stand the fact that he cheated on his wife. I know everyone has their weak moments and relationships go sour but one can always exit the relationship gracefully before entering to another one so why cheat?

Most people who cheat seem to think they will never be found out but living in this modern world where very cell phone has a camera and everyone has Facebook, how can they be dumb enough to go around their partners back to have fun.

While talking to AS, he was making me understand how men think and I know that they don’t have their brain in their head but I still can’t forgive a person who cheats no matter if that’s a man or a women.

But that takes me to my next question. What will do if you find out your partner is cheating?

There are 3 solutions

  1. Do nothing and pretend nothing happened
  2. Forgive and work on the marriage
  3. Get Divorced/Separated

To be honest, I don’t think I will be able to do first two options. I definitely can’t pretend nothing had happened when I know that my husband is sleeping with someone else. I probably could forgive but for the rest of our life I will wonder where he has gone or whom he had been with and that won’t be the kind of relationship I will like to continue where there is no trust. So the only option that I can manage will be getting divorce.

Therefore, I do understand why all my friends decided to choose that path when they found out that their partner was cheating.

But before we can get to that fork on the road where there are only those three solutions there must be things we can do to make sure we are never in that situation.

Of course, relations and marriage are between two people but each individual makes it work so I am seriously thinking about ways to keep our marriage as happy and healthy as it is now. Here are a few things I think will help for a long lasting relationship.

  • Never take each other for granted
  • Do nice things for each other from time to time
  • Make time for each other and hug, kiss, hold each other.
  • Respect each other
  • Think before you speak (I need to practice this more)
  • Compromise to make him/her happy
  • Do things together
  • Be aware of each other’s need
  • Take time out to talk
  • Don’t withhold intimacy as a punishment
  • Never compare your relationship with other couples because you don’t know their real relationship (behind the fake smiles maybe)
  • When your partner does something that upsets you, stop, sit down, and explain to your partner why what he/she is doing is bothering you
  • Accept your partner for who he/she is, after all you married him/her because you loved the way he/she is
  • Respect the fact that your partner is going to need alone time
  • Be positive and work for your future together

Please share your tips here so we all can help each other. All I wish is to have AS in my life until I take my last breath and can’t imagine my life without him. Wish everyone a happy relationship.

Take care everyone and have a great weekend,

M from nepaliaustralian

XOXO

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27 responses to “Marriage on the rocks

  1. Infidelity is truly such a shame and a betrayal – it is the cheater looking outside the marriage for a way out, instead of looking within themselves & giving love to their partner. If you give love, you will receive love; and some people just want to take-take-take and not give it.
    After children your sex life changes, because you’re incredibly tired, but the love between the couple as parents is another gift. Watching your partner carry your child and read them a bedtime story is better than any romp in the sheets! And don’t worry, sex life after kids doesn’t change THAT much!

    • I know so many people who justify their cheating ways blaming on their partners but I always tell them , separate first if you are not in love but do not cheat. It is so disrespectful.
      I take your word for the SEX part 🙂

  2. AS being your best friend first and foremost is on of the main reasons I’m sure you two will live your lives together until the end. It turns out I’m no expert, as in the last year my 14 year marriage ended (quite a story if you ever come to Lansing or Ottawa… 🙂 ), but I’m confident anyone who heeds your suggestions for a happy marriage will indeed have one.

    You’re a wise lady, M, and I suspect AS knows exactly what a treasure you are.

  3. Hey M, 🙂
    As you would have read I separated from my husband 6 months ago. I left a life of complete luxury where I could pretty much do and have anything I wanted. What did I want? To be happy and I wasn’t! I tried buying my happiness as did my then husband. All I wanted was him but he never saw that until it was too late. I got sick of being ignored and felt like a trophy more than a wife. He was 21 years older than me but that wasn’t the reason for leaving. We were together for 16 years and I had an amazing life. It was 2 years ago that I told him we were living separate lives, but he didn’t listen and just fobbed it off. Sex? What was that? I’m serious that’s what happened and I blame that for us falling apart. I’m as much to blame as him but I suppose you just ignore that there’s no real intimacy and find other things to talk abut and do. I renovated homes and he ran his own business. He went one way and I went another. Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. He would have me back but I don’t think people change and I’m not going back to be torn apart again. I didn’t just leave willy nilly I made sure there was nothing left to give before I made that decision to go! So what advice can I give you? Talk and talk some more and never make someone else more important than the 2 of you! Children grow up and leave the house and the 2 of you are what is left behind. And if you have neglected that or he has? The marriage usually doesn’t last much longer after they have left. Intimacy can be as much as holding hands and just going for a walk, not just sex. Sorry for the huge response but it’s an important subject for you. 🙂
    I wish you well, I really do! Many hugs Paula xxxxxx

    • Thank you Paula for such a wonderful response. I definitely understand that both of us have to work on our marriage otherwise it will be not forever. We do talk a lot and try to make each other understand what we are thinking and I hope to continue that. I am sad to know that your marriage didn’t work but I am glad that you are happier and better place now. You are such a lovely soul :). Take care…

  4. Remember you never know what you’ll do in the situation you had no choice about. We all say we will leave yet very few do. That’s an interesting fact. I don’t think it’s possible not to take sides even a little bit. And where there’s infidelity I happen to think we should – or it’s another betrayal of the victim.

  5. Great post di. yeah I agree with you, it’s hard to keep a relationship without a trust, been there done that. Anyway di, you and AS has come a long way I think you two will be together forever:)..keep positive
    #Lawofattraction #Thesecret

  6. Cheating is a no no. Don’t think can ever forget even if forgiven. That’s the ultimatum!

  7. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    It’s incredible, you know, after 10 or 14 years. I was married for 7 years, knew the man for 9 years, but I was so young. And we were from such different backgrounds – me a ruined little girl inside, him supported & loved and simplistic in the world.

    So glad your marriage is still solid though 🙂 Your advice is very sound – most especially never taking people for granted. I think my husband was very complacent, expected I would always be there, making dinner, ready to serve him. Problem was, I had so much trouble brewing in my heart.

    On you, and your endurance, & here’s to forever. 🙂

  8. It’s a complex issue, but if someone feels the need, then fix it or divorce. (I’m one to talk, since my gender issues ripped a marriage apart.)

  9. Very useful tips indeed, Have a great weekend 🙂

  10. What doesn’t break us, makes us stronger?
    My marriage is really fresh so I don’t have much experience to comment on this but from observation I feel that people need to remember what made the fall in love whenever things get too routine.

    I received a comment saying ‘wishing you a happy married life…also do not get divorced’. Maybe it is a Western stereotype to get divorced because it is more socially accepted in western countries. I do see that some marriages require a divorce after some time because it is not fair on either party to carry on after trust/love has gone.

    I would worry too much though, you can never compare relationships… every relationship is unique. Wishing you a long, happy marriage!! 😀 x

  11. I believe that every couples journey is theirs – I’d never judge others for the twists and turns of their relationship and hope others do not judge mine.

    I’ve been in a 15 year marriage that simply did not work. Most of those years was spent trying to ‘fix’ or ‘hang on’ until things improved – no matter how fabulous a ‘list’ of things to keep the marriage going may be…. sometimes nothing will work. Yes we went through counselling and both tried – stubbornly persevering when all signs were blaring to stop. There is no blame. Not even regret – I would not be where I am today without that chapter. But the best thing I ever did was finally and definitively admit, it was over and move on. Was it easy? No. Was it absolutely right? Without a single doubt.

    My unsolicited advice? Accept your friends – on both sides – who are going through a difficult time be it divorce, separation or just a ‘rocky’ patch. You’ll appreciate their understanding when you hit a low point. Every partnership has its tougher periods and that isn’t something to be afraid of but embraced as will tell you more about yourself and your chosen partner than the rosy hued romantic moments – however fabulous they may be!

    Best wishes. 🙂

    • I am sorry if the post came in a wrong way. I know some marriage can’t be saved no matter what and I am not judging but sometimes it is so hard to see you beloved friends going through such a rough time.
      Also I find it is so hard to be friends with both partner as both of them talk about each other but I am trying my best. Thank you so much for stopping by my blog 🙂

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