Category Archives: Marriage

With love, to my dear husband

Posted on June 24, 2012 | 18 comments

I can’t believe time just flies and that is exactly what has happened to me. I can’t believe that I have been married to my dear husband for a year now. One year, which is 365 days/ 8,760 hours/ 525,600 minutes / 31,536,000 seconds. It looks like so many numbers and it has just passed. The greatest thing of all is that for every second of that, my darling husband was with me.  Today I want to dedicate this post to my dear husband who has supported me and loved me for who I am.

We have come a long way in a year and our love has grown so much in this time. I want to live the rest of our life like this and I am sure we will be celebrating 5 years, 10 years, 25 years, 50 years and then 99 🙂 in future.

Nothing in this world could ever be as wonderful as the love you’ve given me. Your love makes my days so very bright and brings a smile to my face just knowing you’re my darling HUSBAND. Thank you for loving and taking care of me .

Happy 1st Anniversary my love.

We are celebrating the day with our close friends and family. I will have more updates in my next post. Please click here if you have missed our wedding posts.

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Arranged marriage: My perspective

Posted on January 27, 2012 | 31 comments

Lately I have been reading lots of blogs that have a lot to say about arranged marriage. Some of the views expressed in those blogs are general ideas while some of them wrote their own personal experience with arranged marriage. I agree with a lot of information while there are some with which I disagree. One of the biggest misconceptions about arranged marriage that I want to clear out is that “Arranged marriage is not forced marriage”.

I was born in Nepal where arranged marriage is common even till today. I wanted to write about arranged marriage for a while but then I had a love marriage so I was not sure if I was right  in commenting about it. Finally I decided to write about what I have seen and learnt about arranged marriage in Nepal. My ideas and views are of Nepali arranged marriage, specifically in Kathmandu. I do understand that it may be different from other South Asian arranged marriages.

Both my parents and parents in law had arranged marriage. Both couple are happily married for around 3 decades now. I see love between them every time I look at them and there is no negative effect of arranged marriage in their relationship.

With my parents, they met 3 times before they decided to get married. Everything was arranged by the two families and they met to see each other and make up their minds.  On their first date, they had company while on the other two they were able to talk to each other by themselves. According to my mum, in those days it was normal to meet your future spouse only a couple of times before getting married.

After marriage, they slowly started to know each other and build their relationship. If you see them now, you will agree with me that they are soul mates who are in love and living their happily ever after.

My dad has 6 siblings and my mum has 3, out of which only 1 of my aunt and 1 uncle had a love marriage and the rest were arranged marriages. All the arranged marriages are going strong. Out of 2 love marriages, one has ended in divorce (not the fault of love marriage of course) and the rest are doing well.

You might say it is an old story but I know people who had arranged marriage just a few months ago and even a few weeks ago. One of them is a good friend while other is my cousin.

With my friend, she is a bit shy so she didn’t want to date anyone even though she had lots of guys after her when we were in college. When the marriage questions were asked by her parents, she told them to find a suitable match. So she was engaged last year and after a year of knowing the guy finally they got married in December.

With my cousin, he lives in US where he is super busy with his work. He never stays in one place for long enough (due to his work) that he gets to meet girls let alone fall in love. So when the family started asking him to get married, he handed down the responsibility to his parents who found a really nice girl and they got married last week in a traditional Newari marriage ceremony. His parents are really happy with this marriage and both bride and groom had 100% say in the decision.

The point I want to make is that just because it is an arranged marriage does not meant that it is a bad thing. It may sound weird to a society where it doesn’t happen but please do have an open mind when you think about it.

Let me put it this way, the modern arrange marriage is like joining rspv.com in the western world. Even I considered having an arranged marriage at one stage (read here for more). So it is not silly or backward thing but just a tradition in most South Asian society.

These days when a girl or guy tells their family that they are OK with arranged marriage, first the family and relatives look for a prospective partner with qualities like

  • Similar caste
  • Similar family reputation
  • Girls/guy’s qualification (study, job)
  • Girl/guy’s qualities  (look, hobbies, background)
  • Cultural and/or religious understanding

It is like RSVP scanning anyone who wanted to join their site. The hard part is done by the family so the girl/guy only meets prospective partners who are suitable.

So as a first step, photos of the prospective partners (already filtered by the family) are shown and they can pick a few they like. Then they will be given either phone numbers or/and email id of the prospective partners so they can talk and chat. These days Skype and Facebook seems to be the way people choose to communicate.

At this stage both guy/girl has time to evaluate the person and if they want, the next step will be dating. They normally meet a few times and stay in touch before they tell their family if they are happy with their prospective partners or not. I found out that at this stage most of the prospective partners fall in love. (I think it is similar in dating world as well anyway.)

If both parties have positive response then the family will get together and have an engagement function. These days I see couples engaged for one or more years before they finally get married. In some cases, marriage happens after only a few weeks after the engagement as well.

So both the boy and girl have full say in who they are going to marry even if it is an arranged marriage. Parents don’t treat their kids like a commodity to negotiate and scrutinize and make them marry just anyone without asking them. Family and society have changed according to time in Nepal so they understand that it is important to get the children involved on making decisions of their life.

Here are some advantages of arrange marriage

  • Financial security

You can call me materialistic but money does matter in real life. It is only in fairy tales that people can live happily ever after in a swamp or jungle. No parents wants their kids to suffer so they make sure when they are looking for prospective partners that they are secure and well off financially and is in the same level as their family.

  • Caste, cultural and/or religious understanding 

Family make sure prospective partner belongs to a similar caste and culture so they can easily adjust into their new life. It is same as RSVP asking what religion or ethnic group you belong to, in their form.

  • Family approval and support

As you know, eastern society live in a close-knit environment, it helps a lot when your in laws approve the prospective partner. This way the couple will get help from their parents physically, emotionally and in most cases financially as well. I think it is not a bad thing to have two sets of families in your life.

  • Avoidance of  (more) pre-marriage relationships/courtship

They say you have to kiss many frogs before you meet your prince charming. We all see and experience that and we have actually gone through a few relationships before we settle with Mr. Right. With arrange marriage, it eliminates the years many waste dating multiple persons, and allow a person to find a good spouse if you choose to follow this path from the beginning. In other cases, you have been there and done that and didn’t not want to go through the heartaches again, this can be a way out to make your life bit easier.

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Ta, Timi, Tapai and Hajoor

Posted on November 6, 2011 | 11 comments

Compared to English, I think, Nepali is a very complicated language. Just to say “You” there are so many ways in Nepali. In English “You” is a second person pronoun of both singular and plural but in Nepali it is a totally different story.

Ta – used for someone younger than you, as well as for someone of lesser stature or when you are trying to dominate someone. You also find that friends use it casually among themselves as it can also show closeness among friends. (If not among friends, Ta is considered rude.)

Timi – used for a person younger than you or of similar age/ stature.

Tapai – for a person older than you and to anyone who you respect/ of higher stature

Hajoor – Mostly used by Brahmins and Chhetris for addressing older people and to show lots of respect to people of higher statute. Other ethnic groups don’t use Hajoor but use Tapai instead.

The reason I am writing this post is how these words have affected my life after my wedding.

Before our wedding, I had known AS for almost 12 years and we were friends. So I used to address him as “Timi” and he used the same for me. It was perfectly fine and there were no issues.

After we got engaged, my mum heard me talking to AS using “Timi’ so she told me not to use “Timi” but use “Tapai”. I ignored her suggestion and kept using “Timi”. I felt more comfortable and I was used to it anyway. I also felt bad that he was allowed to call me “Timi’ but I had to change to “Tapai”.

Before the wedding, I had to go and meet my MIL for shopping. AS was in Australia then, so it was just me and her. In that meeting she told me, try to use “Tapai’ for AS when there are people around us but “Timi” is fine when we are alone. I understood her point. She didn’t want other relatives to talk about me being disrespectful of my husband just because I didn’t live in Nepal. So after our wedding when I was in AS’s house, I switched from using “Timi’ to “Tapai” all the time. It was easy for me to follow just one way of addressing him and not changing it depending on whether someone was near us or not and because it was just too confusing otherwise.

When we came back to Australia, I didn’t realise that I was calling him “Tapai” all the time. I got used to it and I know he liked it so I didn’t bother to go back. Also I didn’t want to say “Tapai” only when we were Skyping with our parents.

Now, some of my friends tease me saying that I am being “a good Bhuhari” and some say I am acting weird after the wedding. I have many married couples around me but apart from my cousin K, who was married in Nepal and lived there two years before coming to Australia, no one addresses their husband as “Tapai’. They all use “Timi” and they find it odd that I use “Tapai”. I am sure they must have gotten used to this by now but I still feel that a lot of times, people look at things I do in a negative way even when I do the right thing. It would have been perfectly fine if I had been a Nepali Bhuari but people find it hard to believe I use “Tapai’ as I am an Australian Bhuari.

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*From independent, confident strong women to dependent, needy wife *With love, to my dear husband  *Making a cup of tea…

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A Nice Suprise

Posted on October 22, 2011 | 5 comments

As you may already know Nepal follows a different calendar than the Gregorian calendar. For most of the children born in Nepal, a birth chart is made by an astrologer as per the Hindu astrological calendar. This chart is called a “Cheena” or “Janam Patro”. So if you look at it as per the Gregorian calendar it looks as if a child’s birthday falls on a different date every year based on the Cheena. A day as per the astrological calendar is called a Tithi. So a child can have his birthday celebrated on his Tithi birthday or as per the Gregorian calendar or both.

Every year, my mum takes my birth chart to an astrology to get my birthday according to the Tithi. And so every year, I have two birthdays. One according to the Cheena, and the other according to the Gregorian calendar.

 On my Tithi birthday , my mum performs some Puja in Nepal for me and on my Gregorian calendar birthday I usually have some friends over and enjoy the day.

While Skyping last Saturday, she told me this year my Tithi birthday was last Tuesday. I thanked her for the gift she had sent me with my friend and told her how much I loved it.

So Tuesday came as any normal day and I even forgot that it was meant to be my Tithi birthday for this year. We had invited some of my cousins and my brother for dinner(not for the birthday of course) that night so my head was occupied with all the cooking and planning I needed to do for the evening.

I had to go for a training from work in the city that day so I didn’t reach home till 6pm. When I was rushing home to cook, AS called to let me know that he had to stay back at work a little longer (it always seems to happen when we have plans eeeerrrrrrrrrrr). I was annoyed but I knew he would have come early if he could to help me with the preparations.

I went home and quickly started making dinner. While I was cooking, AS came home. When he opened the door, I saw him carrying a stunning bouquet packed with luscious red chocolate hearts. It also had a card with very sweet message. “Light of my light, heart of my heart, you’re my true love under the stars. Happy Birthday Love”. He handed me the chocolate bouquet and wished me happy birthday. I was so touched and felt so special. I wasn’t expecting anything at all as I knew he would get me something on the day of my other birthday.

I guess this is another perk of being married/in relationship. You get unexpected surprises which warms your heart .His gesture brought a big smile to my face and made me feel very loved.

I love you baby. Thank you soooooooooooo much.

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With marriage comes great responsibility!

Posted on October 21, 2011 | 6 comments

No matter who you marry, marriage comes with great responsibilities. And I think you have more responsibilities when you marry someone who comes from a background where there are lots of tradition and culture.

As I am not in Nepal, I am not forced to follow all those culture and traditions but at the same time I miss not being part of something important and fun. I remember while growing up there, I used to love all the festivals (of which there was one at least once a month if not more). There was always something to do, eat or watch. I feel sad thinking that if we settle in Australia for life, our kids will miss out on all those opportunity to enjoy and learn Nepalese tradition and culture.

Anyway, in Nepal, the first year of marriage is considered to be very important. So during every festival, there are things you are meant to do. This affects how you celebrate Dashain, Tihar, Father’s Day, Mother’s day and more. I will only learn all these as the time goes by and each festival comes along.

The first one for me was Father’s Day in September. I was grateful to my MIL and the rest of the family when she made my dad’s Father’s Day special. Even when I was living so far away from him, my MIL made sure things were done according to the tradition and so she sent all the yummy stuff to my dad. It included Rotis, sweets, cakes, fruits, Sagun , cooked meat, Achar, whisky and a shirt for my dad.

I got to see the photos and I was really happy. My dad was pleased too.

In Dashain, I wasn’t expected to do much but me and AS wanted to grow Jamara and so we did. If I was in Nepal, it would have been a different story.

Now the next big festival , Tihar is coming. My brother is here so I do my Bhai Tika here. While Skyping with my MIL, she reminded me that as this is my first Bhai Tika after the wedding, I should do something special. She even gave me recipes for a few dishes that I could make.

Since that conversation, I am in a panic mode. I am sure I can’t do what they do in Nepal but still I have to try and do the best that I can. Normally I just buy some sweets from an Indian grocery store and some fruits and some Masala. But now to make this Bhai tika special, I have to make some Rotis myself as we can’t buy Nepali Rotis here. And I don’t know how to make them yet.

My cousin K is going to help me make some of those items. I also have my best friends, YouTube and Google, to help me but I am still stressed out. I am trying to think about what I can do to make the day special. I am really worried that I will stuff it up.

I think my MIL and the rest of the family have been very kind and supportive with me and are doing their share in the relationship to make me and my family comfortable so now the ball is in my court.

I know it is my responsibility now to shine as a “Good Bhuhari(DIL)” but I am not sure how well I will handle these responsibilities.

I am scared to disappoint, not sure who? May be me first, then AS, and both our families. Worried worried worried!!!

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