Category Archives: Relationship

How do you all do it?

Posted on November 14, 2011 | 8 comments

I am writing this blog in the hope that I am not alone in this situation. 

I do follow a few blogs and I have never read anything regarding this problem so I am not to sure if I am alone in this situation or if there are more people out there like me.  

I am talking about cooking everyday and cooking without complaining. Before I came to Australia, I hardly cooked as it was my mum or our maid doing all the cooking. So I never thought twice about how my food got on the table. Then before AS came to Australia, I had a life style where I hardly ate at home so cooking was never an issue. 

But after marriage, we are living by ourselves so we have to cook everyday. It is not feasible to eat out everyday.

Mostly on week days, after work I cook dinner and have either keep some for lunch the next day or make sandwich. There are weeks when I am very happy to cook so I will download recipes, go shopping and cook. But then there are days or a week sometimes when I don’t feel like cooking at all. I don’t want to even think about it and we end up ordering take away for dinner and have lunch outside. 

So I always have this rollercoaster of cooking cycles where sometime I am cooking for weeks continuously and then there are times when we won’t use the kitchen for days. 

I am lucky that my husband helps me in the kitchen with cutting and cleaning but I end up cooking dinners most of the time and he looks after breakfast. 

I don’t understand why we have to spend so much time to feed ourselves. I have seen people who cooked a variety of meal everyday and feed their family. I am sure they love cooking but can you really do it every day without complaining? 

My problem starts most of the time when I don’t know what to cook for dinner. As I don’t know what to cook, I won’t know what to buy and then that is the end. For a few months, we tried to decide on Saturday itself what we were going to have for lunch and dinner for the coming week.  According to that we did our shopping and I was a bit organised but still I had days when I was too tired to cook. All I wanted to do was go home and crash on the sofa in front of the TV. 

I am writing this post in the hope that people out there either will tell me I am normal and it does happen to them as well or tell me how they do it without going insane. How can it be ok to work the whole day and come back home and cook too. If anyone has a good solution for my problem, your suggestion will be highly appreciated. 

Sometimes I feel sorry for my husband that I whinge about small tasks like cooking and that he has the worst wife in the world . : ( 

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Ta, Timi, Tapai and Hajoor

Posted on November 6, 2011 | 11 comments

Compared to English, I think, Nepali is a very complicated language. Just to say “You” there are so many ways in Nepali. In English “You” is a second person pronoun of both singular and plural but in Nepali it is a totally different story.

Ta – used for someone younger than you, as well as for someone of lesser stature or when you are trying to dominate someone. You also find that friends use it casually among themselves as it can also show closeness among friends. (If not among friends, Ta is considered rude.)

Timi – used for a person younger than you or of similar age/ stature.

Tapai – for a person older than you and to anyone who you respect/ of higher stature

Hajoor – Mostly used by Brahmins and Chhetris for addressing older people and to show lots of respect to people of higher statute. Other ethnic groups don’t use Hajoor but use Tapai instead.

The reason I am writing this post is how these words have affected my life after my wedding.

Before our wedding, I had known AS for almost 12 years and we were friends. So I used to address him as “Timi” and he used the same for me. It was perfectly fine and there were no issues.

After we got engaged, my mum heard me talking to AS using “Timi’ so she told me not to use “Timi” but use “Tapai”. I ignored her suggestion and kept using “Timi”. I felt more comfortable and I was used to it anyway. I also felt bad that he was allowed to call me “Timi’ but I had to change to “Tapai”.

Before the wedding, I had to go and meet my MIL for shopping. AS was in Australia then, so it was just me and her. In that meeting she told me, try to use “Tapai’ for AS when there are people around us but “Timi” is fine when we are alone. I understood her point. She didn’t want other relatives to talk about me being disrespectful of my husband just because I didn’t live in Nepal. So after our wedding when I was in AS’s house, I switched from using “Timi’ to “Tapai” all the time. It was easy for me to follow just one way of addressing him and not changing it depending on whether someone was near us or not and because it was just too confusing otherwise.

When we came back to Australia, I didn’t realise that I was calling him “Tapai” all the time. I got used to it and I know he liked it so I didn’t bother to go back. Also I didn’t want to say “Tapai” only when we were Skyping with our parents.

Now, some of my friends tease me saying that I am being “a good Bhuhari” and some say I am acting weird after the wedding. I have many married couples around me but apart from my cousin K, who was married in Nepal and lived there two years before coming to Australia, no one addresses their husband as “Tapai’. They all use “Timi” and they find it odd that I use “Tapai”. I am sure they must have gotten used to this by now but I still feel that a lot of times, people look at things I do in a negative way even when I do the right thing. It would have been perfectly fine if I had been a Nepali Bhuari but people find it hard to believe I use “Tapai’ as I am an Australian Bhuari.

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A Nice Suprise

Posted on October 22, 2011 | 5 comments

As you may already know Nepal follows a different calendar than the Gregorian calendar. For most of the children born in Nepal, a birth chart is made by an astrologer as per the Hindu astrological calendar. This chart is called a “Cheena” or “Janam Patro”. So if you look at it as per the Gregorian calendar it looks as if a child’s birthday falls on a different date every year based on the Cheena. A day as per the astrological calendar is called a Tithi. So a child can have his birthday celebrated on his Tithi birthday or as per the Gregorian calendar or both.

Every year, my mum takes my birth chart to an astrology to get my birthday according to the Tithi. And so every year, I have two birthdays. One according to the Cheena, and the other according to the Gregorian calendar.

 On my Tithi birthday , my mum performs some Puja in Nepal for me and on my Gregorian calendar birthday I usually have some friends over and enjoy the day.

While Skyping last Saturday, she told me this year my Tithi birthday was last Tuesday. I thanked her for the gift she had sent me with my friend and told her how much I loved it.

So Tuesday came as any normal day and I even forgot that it was meant to be my Tithi birthday for this year. We had invited some of my cousins and my brother for dinner(not for the birthday of course) that night so my head was occupied with all the cooking and planning I needed to do for the evening.

I had to go for a training from work in the city that day so I didn’t reach home till 6pm. When I was rushing home to cook, AS called to let me know that he had to stay back at work a little longer (it always seems to happen when we have plans eeeerrrrrrrrrrr). I was annoyed but I knew he would have come early if he could to help me with the preparations.

I went home and quickly started making dinner. While I was cooking, AS came home. When he opened the door, I saw him carrying a stunning bouquet packed with luscious red chocolate hearts. It also had a card with very sweet message. “Light of my light, heart of my heart, you’re my true love under the stars. Happy Birthday Love”. He handed me the chocolate bouquet and wished me happy birthday. I was so touched and felt so special. I wasn’t expecting anything at all as I knew he would get me something on the day of my other birthday.

I guess this is another perk of being married/in relationship. You get unexpected surprises which warms your heart .His gesture brought a big smile to my face and made me feel very loved.

I love you baby. Thank you soooooooooooo much.

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With marriage comes great responsibility!

Posted on October 21, 2011 | 6 comments

No matter who you marry, marriage comes with great responsibilities. And I think you have more responsibilities when you marry someone who comes from a background where there are lots of tradition and culture.

As I am not in Nepal, I am not forced to follow all those culture and traditions but at the same time I miss not being part of something important and fun. I remember while growing up there, I used to love all the festivals (of which there was one at least once a month if not more). There was always something to do, eat or watch. I feel sad thinking that if we settle in Australia for life, our kids will miss out on all those opportunity to enjoy and learn Nepalese tradition and culture.

Anyway, in Nepal, the first year of marriage is considered to be very important. So during every festival, there are things you are meant to do. This affects how you celebrate Dashain, Tihar, Father’s Day, Mother’s day and more. I will only learn all these as the time goes by and each festival comes along.

The first one for me was Father’s Day in September. I was grateful to my MIL and the rest of the family when she made my dad’s Father’s Day special. Even when I was living so far away from him, my MIL made sure things were done according to the tradition and so she sent all the yummy stuff to my dad. It included Rotis, sweets, cakes, fruits, Sagun , cooked meat, Achar, whisky and a shirt for my dad.

I got to see the photos and I was really happy. My dad was pleased too.

In Dashain, I wasn’t expected to do much but me and AS wanted to grow Jamara and so we did. If I was in Nepal, it would have been a different story.

Now the next big festival , Tihar is coming. My brother is here so I do my Bhai Tika here. While Skyping with my MIL, she reminded me that as this is my first Bhai Tika after the wedding, I should do something special. She even gave me recipes for a few dishes that I could make.

Since that conversation, I am in a panic mode. I am sure I can’t do what they do in Nepal but still I have to try and do the best that I can. Normally I just buy some sweets from an Indian grocery store and some fruits and some Masala. But now to make this Bhai tika special, I have to make some Rotis myself as we can’t buy Nepali Rotis here. And I don’t know how to make them yet.

My cousin K is going to help me make some of those items. I also have my best friends, YouTube and Google, to help me but I am still stressed out. I am trying to think about what I can do to make the day special. I am really worried that I will stuff it up.

I think my MIL and the rest of the family have been very kind and supportive with me and are doing their share in the relationship to make me and my family comfortable so now the ball is in my court.

I know it is my responsibility now to shine as a “Good Bhuhari(DIL)” but I am not sure how well I will handle these responsibilities.

I am scared to disappoint, not sure who? May be me first, then AS, and both our families. Worried worried worried!!!

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Posted in Marriage, Relationship

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A Different Perspective

Posted on October 20, 2011 | 4 comments

I have read a few blogs from the perspective of a wife, a husband or a daughter in law in an intercultural relationship but never from the prespective of a mother in law.

Yesterday I was talking to one of my colleague and I came to know a bit about the perspective of a mother in law and it was quite interesting so I am sharing it here with all of you. 

My colleague is from Russia and she moved to Australia more than 20 years ago. She has two boys who were both born and brought up here. So they are more Aussie than she wants them to be.  

Anyway, her older son was in a relationship with a Japanese girl for a while. They met when she came to Australia as an exchange student.  

Last month they got married in Japan so my colleague and her family flew to Japan to attend the wedding. 

 She was not very happy about how everything was working out before she left the country. A few things that she mentioned were: 

  • She wanted a Russian daughter in law.
  • She felt that her new daughter in law was not very open when she visited her. (She stayed in the same house with my colleague.)
  • She wanted to be a part of the wedding preparation but she was never consulted about anything.
  • She wanted the wedding to be in Australia especially after the nuclear problem in Japan recently.
  • She was scared that her son was planning to move to Japan after the wedding. 

 Yesterday I saw her for the first time after the wedding. When I asked her how the wedding went, she was positive about her experience. 

 She said she is happy about lots of things after visiting Japan as she can now see that some of the things she was not happy about with her new DIL is more cultural than personal. 

For example, she was a bit sad when her DIL didn’t hug her when they met. Now she is happy that DIL doesn’t hug her mum either which means that hugging is not a part of the Japanese culture. It made her realise that her DIL is not trying to keep a distance from her; it just is not a part of Japanese way of life. 

 Also she was happy that the bride’s family made a lot of effort to make them feel comfortable and welcome in Japan. 

 The most important thing for her was, that her son and DIL spent lots of time with them and made sure that they were looked after while they were there. So now she doesn’t worry about how her DIL is taking her son away from ber as she feels that her DIL is a part of her family now.  

I think all relationships are difficult in the beginning but for intercultural relationship it is more difficult for a man and woman but same goes for their families as well.

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