Tag Archives: family

Marriage on the rocks

Posted on January 18, 2014 | 27 comments

If you are worried after reading the title, please do not worry, I am still happily married. But recently I have had friends and colleagues who are either divorced, separated or their marriage is on the rocks. This made me think about marriage in general and of course I and AS.

Most of my friends and colleagues I am talking about have been married for a long time. One of them for 10 years, another 14 and others many more too. Most of them were high school sweet hearts and in love for a long time before they decided to get married and have beautiful kids but after such a long union, they decided to part way and inmost cases, the reason was infidelity. I was actually shocked in many cases, as I knew both people in the marriage.

I have heard about the 7 year itch and read a lot about what happens to sex life when one has kids. Still looking around and finding so many people with their marriage in tatters really made me think about marriage in general seriously.

AS is my best friend first before my husband so I share what I was thinking with him all the time. So while in this topic, I asked him “Do you think we might have a problem like this in our marriage as well?” I am not sure what kind of answer I was hoping to get but I was shocked when he answered “Of course, we will. I am not going to say we will have a perfect marriage.” As much as I appreciate his honestly, it also made me worried about the whole institution of marriage.

I come from Nepal, a country where  they teach that marriage is for life but even there things are changing slowly. The divorce rate is still not as high there as in the western world. So when I married AS, I married him for life, for better or for worse. But seeing so many couple heading down the divorce path, I really want to work harder on my marriage to make sure we don’t ever head towards that path.

As everything else in life, I know we tend to take our partners for granted after being with them for few years which means we may not make a special time for him and once kids are in the equation, most mums are really too busy to plan something as a couple. But I still can’t justify someone cheating on their partner because they are bored.

When Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston got divorced many years ago, I was always Team Jen. I used to like Brad Pitt as an actor but I couldn’t stand the fact that he cheated on his wife. I know everyone has their weak moments and relationships go sour but one can always exit the relationship gracefully before entering to another one so why cheat?

Most people who cheat seem to think they will never be found out but living in this modern world where very cell phone has a camera and everyone has Facebook, how can they be dumb enough to go around their partners back to have fun.

While talking to AS, he was making me understand how men think and I know that they don’t have their brain in their head but I still can’t forgive a person who cheats no matter if that’s a man or a women.

But that takes me to my next question. What will do if you find out your partner is cheating?

There are 3 solutions

  1. Do nothing and pretend nothing happened
  2. Forgive and work on the marriage
  3. Get Divorced/Separated

To be honest, I don’t think I will be able to do first two options. I definitely can’t pretend nothing had happened when I know that my husband is sleeping with someone else. I probably could forgive but for the rest of our life I will wonder where he has gone or whom he had been with and that won’t be the kind of relationship I will like to continue where there is no trust. So the only option that I can manage will be getting divorce.

Therefore, I do understand why all my friends decided to choose that path when they found out that their partner was cheating.

But before we can get to that fork on the road where there are only those three solutions there must be things we can do to make sure we are never in that situation.

Of course, relations and marriage are between two people but each individual makes it work so I am seriously thinking about ways to keep our marriage as happy and healthy as it is now. Here are a few things I think will help for a long lasting relationship.

  • Never take each other for granted
  • Do nice things for each other from time to time
  • Make time for each other and hug, kiss, hold each other.
  • Respect each other
  • Think before you speak (I need to practice this more)
  • Compromise to make him/her happy
  • Do things together
  • Be aware of each other’s need
  • Take time out to talk
  • Don’t withhold intimacy as a punishment
  • Never compare your relationship with other couples because you don’t know their real relationship (behind the fake smiles maybe)
  • When your partner does something that upsets you, stop, sit down, and explain to your partner why what he/she is doing is bothering you
  • Accept your partner for who he/she is, after all you married him/her because you loved the way he/she is
  • Respect the fact that your partner is going to need alone time
  • Be positive and work for your future together

Please share your tips here so we all can help each other. All I wish is to have AS in my life until I take my last breath and can’t imagine my life without him. Wish everyone a happy relationship.

Take care everyone and have a great weekend,

M from nepaliaustralian

XOXO

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Posted in Marriage, Relationship

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Our Unconventional love story …

Posted on September 26, 2011 | 6 comments

As I mention on my previous post “Big ,Loud, Crowded, Nepali wedding”, I know my husband, AS since high school. But our story is nothing like childhood sweethearts with happy ending. We were just friends at that point and never in my wildest dream thought will we end up marring each other. It is so true when they say, “You don’t know what future holds for you”.

I was ready to take next step of my life – marriage and family. The only problem with my plan is I have no plan. I didn’t know what I really want. I have never thought in my whole life I will agree with arrange marriage. But as I can’t find the man of my dream, I thought, I will hand over the duty to my parents. As my parents always nag me about marriage, I thought this will make them busy and I always can say no. They were more than willing to take the charge and was so proud that despite living abroad for almost a decade, I choose to go traditional way.

AS is not a very social person so we used to be out of touch for ages. Our email frequency used to once every 6 months. But thanks to Facebook, which I was genuinely surprised he had one, we start talking again. Our infrequent message turned into more frequent one and it was like high school all over again. We had same memories, same friends and it was easy. During this period, I told him one day what I told my parents about looking for a guy for me. To this he said that his parents are looking for a girl for him as well. And then we used to joke about how life has turned out and may be we will meet again only when both of us will be married and have kids. He used to be in US at that time and I was in Australia.

That year I decided to go home for holiday and I had 12 hours transit in Singapore airport. I told him, if he had any time I will appreciate the company over net as I don’t know what else to do in Singapore in the middle of the night. As the time difference was right for him, we chatted for almost 10 hours out of 12. (He told me later he made a special effort that stage.) I think that probably was the first time I felt more close to him. We made fun of each other and asked silly questions and it was great. I wasn’t bored at all and hoped he enjoyed it too. During this conversation, he told me he is planning to come to Nepal as well and try to make it when I will be there. I was really happy thinking at least we can meet again.

We didn’t meet until next 3 weeks but lots of things changed during that period. We used to Skype a lot and talked about my “Possible husband “. It was not that they were bad but I was not ready to meet anyone new so I just made any excuse not to meet them. And numbers of photo was increasing as my parents were determined to find someone before I leave Nepal.

I think my frequent mention of these eligible bachelor made AS realise that the plan he had to express his love for me after he sees me Nepal can’t wait till then. He has to do something otherwise I may be engaged before he knows it. So while we were talking on phone one day, late at night for me and early morning for him, he expressed his feeling for me. He told me how he was in love with me since our school and I am his first love who he never forgot. I was surprised that I never saw that vibe from him ever but I was happy at the same time. During last few months I felt closer to him but I was so sure he will never fall for someone like me; I even try to set him up with one of my good friend. She will kill me if she finds out now. Anyway that was how we started our journey for our happily ever after :). And after all I am not the “Arrange Marriage Type”.

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Posted in Australia, Kathmandu, Marriage, Nepal, Our Wedding, Wedding

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Making a cup of tea…

Posted on September 26, 2011 | 1 comment

This post is not another recipe. This is a post from a woman who is recently married and learning about marriage. How simple is it to make cup of tea?Anyone can do it and it takes a minute. But this simple task of making a cup of tea has become so complex in our household.

Both me and AS enjoy our cup of tea hot which means, not microwaved and no electrical kettle of hot water. I am not a big tea drinker but when I have one, I like to boil my water, milk, tea and sugar together. I enjoy steaming hot tea. Before I got married to AS I never made tea for myself unless I have a visitor.

After our marriage, we started having proper breakfast every weekend which means, in winter, tea was a part of our breakfast. So in the beginning, we had our tea as AS liked it since I have no preference. Strong with less milk and less sugar. But after few weeks I realised that every weekend after breakfast, I had mild headache and it lasted for the whole day. It was nothing sever but I just mentioned that to my cousin (who is a doctor) when we were talking. He asked me if I was having tea or coffee and if it happened after I had one. It gave me a clear picture what was happening to me. I tested it one weekend without tea and yap he was right. I am caffeine intolerant. He told me I still can drink tea but mild ones.

I stilled wanted to continue our breakfast ritual for weekends as I loved them. But the problem is that now it takes so much longer to make a cup of tea. This is how we do it. We first boil the water on the stove with 2 teaspoon of loose tea and 2 teaspoon of sugar (one for me and one for AS). After the tea has boiled for a minute we take out half of it into a cup (this is for me) and let the remaining tea boil for a few more minutes. Once it is dark, we filter it into a cup with just a little milk. AS tea is ready now so we rinse the saucepan and add my half of the tea from the cup, add lots of milk and a teaspoon of sugar and boil it. So we have two every different cup of tea ready for two people with different taste.

I know it sounds all complicated and we could have done it in two saucepans and make it simple but this works for us. I am learning a lot about marriage from this simple step in our life. Marriage is all about compromise and I am happy, we both are willing to leave aside our individual differences and strike a common balance between us. It makes me so happy that even though we are worlds apart in personality, we can make things work between us no matter what obstacles life will bring us.

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Posted in Marriage, Relationship

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What’s in the name (Surname)?

Posted on September 22, 2011 | 9 comments

It has been exactly 90 days we have been married. 🙂

The day I announce my wedding at work, one of my colleague asked me “So you will change your surname, what’s it gonna be?” The question caught me off guard as I haven’t thought about it at all. Taking your husband’s name is the traditional option (especially in Nepal) but we never discuss it. I am sure both our family expect me to take it but I was in no rush. I have seen my friends change their surname in Facebook the day they got married (I am not sure if they have done legally too) or have used both surnames but I have always thought it can wait few years. Many women will say that their husbands/in-laws  wanted them to change their surname. So they did.

I am not against changing surname if you want to as I also want to do it before we have kids. I am planning to be MJS, mine surname followed by his.  My friend AS is the reason, I will defiantly do it before we have baby as I don’t want to go through the same path as hers.

AS decided not to change her surname when she married CJ (Nepali guy). When they have a baby girl, her mother in law came to visit her in hospital. While she was holding her new grand-daughter, she was shocked to see the tag called her, Baby S instead of Baby J. She made sure AS knows, she didn’t approve of that. But in the birth certificate, hospital wrote baby S as per mother’s surname as well. Because it was in birth certificate, they thought it will be easy to use the same surname in other official documents as well .Now the baby and mum have same surname and dad has different. It created lots of confusion in all the legal documents and I don’t want to go through that.

Back to my situation, I am planning to keep my surname until I can as I want to avoid the hassle of alerting everyone and going through all the paper work right now. Its not  easy to change the name on everything from your driver’s licence to your library card. I know I have to do it one day but mentally I am not ready right now. The most annoying change will be for my passport. I love my passport as it has so many stamps and visas I collected travelling over the years. It is like a story to me and has high sentimental value. Once I change my passport, I will lose all my memory.

All this question is coming right now because my in-laws made official document in Nepal(Relationship certificate) and they send us a copy in case we need it. In that document, they have my name as MS not MJ. My in-laws have never asked me to change it but I think they didn’t as by default in their mind, I am MS not MJ but I want to be MJS in future not MS. 

When I talk to AS about it, he thinks it is normal of his parents to think I am MS now as that in what happens in Nepal. I haven’t changed my Facebook name either (I know it is easy but …) I want to do it in my own pace and I hate it if anyone forces me to do it. He knows what I am planning and he is ok with that but of course he can’t control what his parents think.

Just want to put it out there” Am I allowed to wait until I am ready to change the surname or it is expected to change straight after marriage, especially in Nepali culture?”

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Posted in Nepal, Nepali Culture, Relationship

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Earthquake in Kathmandu

Posted on September 20, 2011 | Leave a comment

It was end of a beautiful Spring weekend , around 11:00pm, Sunday 18 September 2011 . I was about to go to bed and just browsing my facebook page. My heart sank when I read the status of one of my friend “Earthquake in Kathmandu”. Without thinking, I pick up the phone and dialled my parents’ home number in Kathmandu. I got through but noone was picking up the phone.

I was really scared as I was trying to get more information but as it just happened, there was no information in any media apart from facebook. Now it seems like everyone have calm down in Nepal and updating their status in twitter and facebook. I have read so many times before that Kathmandu is hotspot for big earthquake so my mind was racing 1000mile/hr on why noone is answering phone at my parents house. In the mean time, AS got hold of his family and they were fine.

Seeing me worried, AS asked me to call my dad’s mobile and he picked up the phone in 2 rings. I was so happy to hear his voice and to know everything was fine. He just explained to me that they went to ground floor when earthquake started and they are still there for a while in case aftershock occurs. I talked to my mum for a while before hanging up.

After I hung up the phone, I couldn’t get the fear out of my head . I am so far away from them, the only way I have contact with them is phone and Skype. Imagine if something happened and there is no phone and internet in Nepal for sometime, I won’t be able to be in touch with them. I can’t imagine what would I do .I am trying my best to go there more often and they have come and visit whenever they could but it is nothing like living in next city or next door. We are so far away, 8,028 km according to Google that it make me wonder sometime “Is that really worth coming so far from my parents to find a better life?” Is my life really better now that it would have been if I have stayed and lived in Nepal?

 Sometime I feel really bad thinking my parents have given up so much to make me who I am .Now when I am capable and independent, I am so far and they have noone to look after them. I know they are really happy for me that I am doing well and happy in life but from within I always feel guilty that I let them down. They are growing old everyday and I hope I can be with them when they need me the most. One day I want them to be living  around the corner from them so I can pop in whenever I want but until then thank you Skype for making me feel closer to them. Can’t wait to talk to them this weekend.

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Posted in Kathmandu, Nepal

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